Some people feel that there is no greater joy in life. Some want and cannot have. Still others have zero desire. My feelings are a mix of all three and therefore leave me in a constant state of confusion.
And change they have. I went from a strict no thank you to a more acceptable, ehh. In a nutshell, if I have them, fine. If not, I won't cry about it. Some women feel the desire to be a mother. They get baby fever. I don’t feel it. If you were to ask me why I want kids I'd give my reasons but then counter-argue that I don’t feel cute clothes, baby naming and my curiosity of their looks constitute a green light to procreate. Will I be a parent someday? Probably but I still I remain indifferent.
As my 27th birthday comes next month part of me feels that ‘someday’ should get moved up on my life to-do list. But even that feeling has me on the fence. I don’t want to start having kids at 30 but I am in no way ready economically or personally (my relationship is 2 months old) to have them now. This is the way I see it: If I have kids at 30 I have a 10 year old at 40, a 20 year old at 50, etc. Say my kids have their own later in life (30s range), if at all. So now I’m a grandmother in my 60s. Fine, still young by today’s standards. But am I going to be there when my grandkids graduate school or get married? Who knows. And I think deep down that bothers me. My grandparents were a huge influence in my life and it pains me that they’re no longer here. Add in the fact that I have a small family and therefore kind of want a medium sized family and I’m all fucked up.
As I proofread this it seems my feelings have changed yet again but I’m not sure I know how to explain them. I want them but I’m not ready? I feel that I’m going to miss out? I’m still indifferent? I really don’t know. I suppose the most correct answer would be a combination of the three. I will go on record saying that I am officially ok with the idea of having kids someday. I guess the only thing that can be said for sure is that I know there's time and I’m not getting off this fence any time soon.