October 18, 2012

A Decade of Change

Last night I read a message on my iPhone that required actual FB use. The reason? The date for my 10 year high school reunion has been set. 11/23/12

Umm what?!

When I graduated I was going into college with a major in Spanish. I was living in my first apartment with my then boyfriend and life was generally good. I changed my major to psychology and loved it. All was still well, then post high school life happened. I dated, partied, moved, fought, changed jobs, made good and bad decisions and ultimately landed in a good spot.

Let me be clear about a few things. High school wasn't full of torment for me; I don't feel pressed to lose 20 pounds in order to wow an old flame; and I don't feel like an underachiever because I'm not married with kids. I'm actually feeling pretty indifferent about it but I am excited to go. Mainly because the loser closet decorator that I am wants to see the theme and decorations. Plus, food and snacks? I ♥ snacks! Still, it will be nice to see some people. In the recent years I've only had one goal when it came to reunion time: have a college degree. That's it. As most of you know, it shamelessly irritates the snot out of me that I'm still in school. However, as of May, that goal will be checked of my list. I'll be back in school come reunion time but I'll have a degree already. Mission accomplished.

And then I started thinking...

Something that has crossed my mind more than once over the last 10 years. What's the point? Reunions aren't like they used to be. With all the social networking capabilities staying in touch is a lot easier than it used to be. I mean I found out via Facebook. Even though nothing beats a face-to-face interactions there really is no need to "catch up".

As so eloquently put by Katy Fincham who is an account executive and contributor at Maroon Blog:
"The popularity of Facebook completely eliminated the excitement of high school reunions. For the last seven years, each of us has had almost instant access into our classmates’ everyday lives. Whether I want to or not, I’m aware of who’s married, who’s engaged, who has kids, where people work, where they’ve traveled to, etc. Who needs to have a high school reunion, when every day is a virtual reunion?"
My thoughts exactly. 
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For those of you have have gone to your reunions, what was it like? What did you wear? Were there still old grudges or rivalries present? Did you connect with people you never would have associated with in high school?


October 15, 2012

Goodbye Friend

It was April 2003 and I had just moved into my first apartment. I was 18. Lived with my then boyfriend. Was working and going to school. My best friend lived 1/2 a block away. Life was good.

I constantly said "I want a cat". "I want a kitty" but never seriously considered or looked into it

A month later, by complete surprise, then boyfriend brought home a surprise. Curled up in his hat was a calico ball of fluff. She was skinny (she was the runt of her litter) and I fell in love immediately. He suggested we name her Sadie. 

I was on the first floor of my 4 unit building and would often let her out into the hallway to explore. She was constantly attacking, and eating, the moths that found their way inside. And so I started calling her Sader-Bug, which was quickly shortened to Bug. Friends would ask her name, proudly I'd tell them Bug. I'd get a funny look and the inevitable question "You named your cat... Bug?" And that's how she got her name. 

Fast forward to 2006 and we had a health scare. There was a weird, opaque snot-green fluid all over her and the bathroom floor. I immediately took her to the vet and they told me she had pyometra. It's a uterine infection caused by  repeat exposure to hormones. The vet told me it's something that can happen to dogs or cats over 6 who have never had a litter but have also not been spayed. I had two choices, consent to the spay surgery or let her die. I opened my pockets. 




For the past week I've noticed she's been choosing not to eat. I thought she was just being picky about their food. I saw her at the dry dishes so I assumed she was nibbling somewhat. She would lay in front of their water dish but she'd stay there all day. Thursday afternoon I made an appointment with the vet. Something wasn't right. Later that evening I heard one of the cats fall. I assumed it was Roxie since she has terrible balance, but I turned around anyway. Bug was lying on the floor. I went to pick her up and the back of her feet and legs were soaked with urine. She was going to the vet first thing in the morning.

I woke up to her strained crying. We went straight to the vet. I was told her temperature was so low they couldn't get a reading. Her breathing was labored. Her liver and spleen were enlarged. She was in shock. They had placed her on oxygen and started an IV of fluids. I was told her body was shutting down and she was in very poor condition and they didn't know if they'd be able to bring her back.

I wasn't going to make her suffer so I made the most humane choice I could.

When she was little I constantly told her that all I wanted her to do was grow up and be a big fat house cat. She listened. She was my first very own cat.  She's been my cuddle-Bug when I needed to cry, my pillow when watching TV. She's been with me through 6 moves, 5 boyfriends and 9 years. And today I had to say goodbye. 



August 23, 2012

Just A Thought

I typed this out yesterday and like a lot of posts it was saved as a draft, most likely never to be read. I don’t know if something like this would be well received by you. So I tend to keep it to myself. Today I though of my blog buddy Nicki at The Loaded Handbag and I decided to hit publish. Not for her, not for you, but for me. If I took the time to write these words as they poured through my fingers than I should be able to hit publish. And so I did…
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I'm staring at this blinking cursor and I don't know what to write. Lately I feel as if my blog has gotten stuck in mud.

I want to say something but I constantly am met with the thought of, "I have nothing to say". It's kind of sad.

I have things going on in my life but not necessarily things large enough for a post. I hate the feeling of posting the same events over and over. I mean, let's be honest, how many times can I post about school or my niece (forever!) before I'm repeating myself?

My point is, I don't want to bore you. I want to give you something worth reading. Something that generates comments. If it means I gain new followers, so be it, but I think it's more important to keep the ones I have.

I've said time and again that I don't like to get all "Dear Diary..." on you guys, and that hasn't changed. But I think, just maybe, my blog needs to change. Or that I do.

I liked posting 3x a week before. But since my sister, summer laziness and my overwhelming bookshelf, I've taken a break from this space. I didn't know how to keep it the same. To be the person I was before. And maybe that's where I went wrong. Maybe I was trying to block change. My whole life changed but my blog was something I had control of. I could keep it the same and could shelter it and it would be as I knew it. A safety net of predictability.

Ordinarily, I'm not one who shuns change. I usually embrace and enjoy it. I look forward to it. But for some reason, with my blog, I didn't want to change. Maybe I was afraid that if my blog changed you would stop reading, stop commenting. But change is good. It means new opportunities. New chances. New posts. New readers.

And for that reason, I'm changing. We're changing. I won't post on a schedule any more. When something is going on, I'll write about it. Even if it's a picture, or a single paragraph, I'll post it. My life is at a crossroads right now. Like I said, there are things going on. But to repeat post on the same topics will make me, and I'm sure you, crazy.

So I ask that you bare with me. Ride out this wave with me and see where it takes us. It's probably going to be messy at first, or for a while. Hell, when I started this I was supposed to be writing a post for Friday and the weekend coming up. Look where that went... But I can promise I will continue to put finger to key and type.

I will say something.  

July 26, 2012

Indicted

On Monday my mom sent me a text.

The grand jury handed up an indictment.

I knew it was going to be one of two options, murder-2  or manslaughter-1

One was wanted. That other was acceptable.

We were given the acceptable option - Manslaughter in the first degree.

NY penal code defines 2nd degree murder as being "with intent to cause the death of another person, he causes the death of such person or of a third person...". This carries two sentences: 15 to life or 25 to life.

The definition for manslaughter as being "with intent to cause serious physical injury to another person, he causes the death of such person or of a third person...". This has a sentence of 5-25 years with no opportunity for parole until at least 85% of his sentence has been served. Even credit for good behavior won't reduce his sentence to less than 85%.

It's a small victory, (is that even the right word?), for my family. We know he's going to be in prison for a long time.

Although I have no sympathy for him, I do not believe he intended to kill my sister. It doesn't change the fact that he did.

So what does it all mean? It means that he's still guilty of a felony. He's still going to prison and he's still destroyed many lives.

On the other hand, my parents went to court on Friday for a custody hearing. Two days before my mom told me that his father also filed a petition for custody. If that's not a slap in the face to my sister and my family then I don't know what is. Paternal grandparents be damned, these people disgust me. Fortunately, it was also a small victory. My parents were awarded sole custody with no visitation for now. There's a second hearing in late August.

This whole process has me on pins and needles. This wouldn't be the first time the justice system failed someone. It wouldn't be the first time the courts ruled on fairness instead of what's right. I am trying so hard to stay positive, but always, in the back of mind, I hear what if...

What if the judge awards joint custody? What if someone happens to my niece while under their care? Do I write a letter to the judge? Do I let the chips fall where they're intended? If someone used their common sense they'd see that my parents are only getting through the days because they have CJ to take care of. That's not to say that they can't not take care of her, but it's making the grieving process more manageable to them with her around. She's a beautiful little girl. She laughs all the time. She talks and she's full of the life that was stolen from her mother. How could someone possibly think taking that away is fair and equitable? My parents are going to lose it otherwise.

And in all honesty, if that were to happen, I don't think I have it in me to be the family rock this time.



July 17, 2012

Remember Who You Are

During the summer of 1994 one of the greatest Disney movies ever made was released? Any idea which it was?

You should probably know this. I mean, it's a classic people. No? Oh well, Hakuna Matata.

For quite some time I've been meaning to get tattoo #4 since it's on the 2012 BTD list. And like most things I want to do it's been pushed to the back burner because of these things I'm told should be priorities. You know, like paying my rent. With my sister's passing my parents recently got tattoos in her memory. They came out great and the price was even better. A steal compared to NYC/NJ prices. I was planning to get one as well and after seeing their work decided to go to the same place. After all, quality work at a good price? Can't say no to that.

I had future plans to get something for my mom, I just figured it would be, um, after. Since... forever my mom has been in love with the Lion King. It's her absolute favorite Disney movie. Personally, I'm partial to Cinderella and Beauty & the Beast as well as the Lion King... and Aladdin. You know what? I'm just a giant Disney geek. I enjoy all of them.

I adore my mom. She's one of the coolest people I know. She can drink me under the table. She has incredible fashion sense. She's funny, beautiful, smart and all of those other things mothers are supposed to be. It only made sense to get a tattoo of her favorite movie. This was beyond perfect. It summed up everything in all its Disney glory. And thus, my simba was born. It made even more sense to use the line directly from the movie. You should  know exactly what I'm talking about. But, for those of you who aren't obsessed, I'm talking about the scene where young adult Simba is in the open field talking to his father in the clouds. As Mufasa departs he leaves his son with lasting wisdom- Remember who you are...

Also since.... forever I've heard people telling me "you are your mother's child". Umm, no kidding. Whose else would I be? But as I got older it made sense what they were trying to say. And it's entirely accurate. We're very much alike. My mom and I are constantly quoting the movie back and forth, making up our own words (ex: Smarticles - your brains) and laughing about things it seems only her and I can find so amusing. I mean, I made a comment this weekend that actually made my mom pee her pants. Skills, I tell ya.

So, for my mommy. My champion and role model, I got this:



And as I mentioned, I was planning to get something for my sister. This made tattoo #5:




June 25, 2012

To You

Shorty-

I'm at a loss for words. It's been over a week and I still don't think I've fully accepted that you're gone. It's been a living nightmare and I wish that there was some way for you to tell us that it's ok. That you're ok. If this had happened because of a car accident, I'd be just as upset but I could rationalize and accept it. But that's not what happened. You were taken. And for that I will always be angry.

I can't help but be filled with regret on times I've missed with you. When you were little and I had to watch you and Billy everyday after school. I was so angry with Mom and Dad. Why did I have to do it? It wasn't my responsibility. I wanted to hang out with my friends and go do things. I'm now haunted by the memories of you guys asking me to play a game and me telling you no, to go watch TV because I wanted to be on the phone with a friend. I was 14, it was what 14 year olds do. But looking back, even before this, I regret those lost moments. I know I can't change them, but know I'm sorry.

When I found out I was going to be an Aunt I was skeptical. Not about the facts, but that this would turn out to be a "good thing" like everyone was saying. How can 16 and pregnant be a good thing? I was so disappointed in you, scared for you, mad for our parents loss of "freedom" to go away for weekends, etc. But you were determined to see this through. I wasn't a fan of the name you chose, I'm still warming to using it, but when someone made the comment that "you were a car and she's a car" it made so much sense. Shelby and Chevelle, great cars at that. I guess you knew what you were doing. And then I saw her and I was so proud of you. You were obviously stronger than me. I don't know if I could have done what you did. You took on everyone. Not that it was ok but you spoke to our parents in a way that I would have never even attempted. You probably should have worked on the word choices but the point is, you spoke your mind no matter who was on the receiving end.

And then I came home when Mom called me with this tragic news. I'll never forget it. I came as soon as I could. I took on the rock role. Not that I wouldn't anyway, but I had to. I couldn't let Mom and Dad make those decisions. I had to protect them. To be strong for everyone. Parents aren't supposed to be predeceased by their children. It's not the way it's supposed to happen. It was easier for me to step up and do everything, not only to shield them, but to stay busy to keep myself from shutting down.

As it turns out, Chevelle is going to be a saving grace. Without her, I think Mom and Dad would be completely lost. Through her, you're still here. She looks exactly like you when you were her age. They have to take care of her now. We all do. And we will. She is loved by everyone. There's actually a line of people to babysit her. And me? I'm the proudest Aunt you'll ever see. In the week I was there everything changed. I never understood what people were always talking about but now I get it. My relationship with CJ is beyond important. It's my job to be her friend, mentor and confidant. And I will be all of those things. And when she asks about you I will tell her what she wants to know. I'll tell her how pretty you were. How you were your own person. The jokes you made. The things you did that annoyed me or made me laugh. I'll make sure she knows exactly who her mother was. How much you wanted and loved her even in the short time you had together. She's going to be spoiled. After all, that is my job.

Yesterday was hard, today feels barely easier. I feel lost. I miss you, so very much. You'll never be forgotten. I refuse to let that happen.


June 04, 2012

Hats Off to Me

Here it is, the post you've all been waiting for (mainly so I'll shut up about it) Graduation weekend!

Of course I took pictures with my phone but my camera's settings were all screwy so any pictures my friend Mike took with my camera came out blurry and craptastic. I asked my mom to e-mail me the ones she took. She did even better. She printed and mailed them all to me and I got them last week. After some scanner reconfiguration we're ready to rock!

The ceremony actually wasn't too bad. 2 1/2 hours to get through the procession, all the speeches and the name calling. Maybe it was because I was sitting with friends or maybe it was because I was texting Mike throughout the entire thing, but it went by fast.









In good planning Boyfriend and I went to AC for the weekend the day after graduation. We got lucky and had absolutely gorgeous weather the entire time. 

We walked the boardwalk all day Saturday and I ended up getting my 2nd sunburn ever. I didn't feel it at all and didn't even notice until I changed my clothes to take a nap before dinner. It's upsetting. It means my skin/chemical makeup/something has changed. At 25 I started using sunscreen on my face. Mainly because it's in my moisturizer and makeup. But now, I actually burn. It's new to me and I'm not sure what to make of it. I feel like part of me has been lost. Have I used up my Free Tan card?? God I hope not...

We stopped in the Oh My Godard art gallery that's in the "mall" and there were SO many pieces I wanted to take home. The price tags made it a tad impossible (plus I didn't win big) so I went home with links to the artists instead. This one was tagged at around $1,700 and was about 3' long. I was told they could do a smaller one for about $500. (sorry Mom!) I saw this one and immediately thought of my mom. Not only is she a coffee junkie she's a whiz at Scrabble. Seeing these in person was amazing. They are so life like. They also had Monopoly ones which were equally awesome. There was another artist who did paintings of wine glasses/bottles and yhey were insanely realistic. Reflections in the glass and all. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of the artist but I can always call the gallery. I'd really love to have one of his pieces. Look at me! Considering buying art. 

We went to a classic car show that was on the boardwalk and walked through just about every single casino.

I made Boyfriend take pictures with me since we had none. Even if I was being a child about them. That's half the fun isn't it?! 


Saturday night we went over to Borgata and had dinner at Fornelletto, which was AMAZING. It's an Italian restaurant that's pretty much in the basement. Walking down the steps felt like descending into a wine cellar. The atmosphere is intimate but not stuffy. 


While walking around Borgata we ran into a group of three people, one of which was screaming gay (he was telling girls that were passing, "Work it bitch!") He asked if I'd take a picture of them, which I did, and he proceeded to tell me how amazingly pretty I was and that he loved my dress, etc. Have I mentioned that I LOVE the gays? His two girlfriends kept assuring Boyfriend he was gay. We took a picture but like an asshole I didn't get one with my phone. 

Overall I had a great long weekend. Graduated, saw my parents and best friends and spent a gorgeous weekend in AC with the Boyfriend. 

And of course no trip up the NJ turnpike is complete without a plane coming in for a landing. As a side note, this is one of my favorite things* to look for when I'm on the TPK. I love watching the planes take off or land.


April 14, 2012

Oh Baby

As I mentioned, my sister's baby shower is this Sunday. Aside from my feelings about babies and seeing my sister all round, I'm also fearing early labor. I mean she's underage, how far can she go?

I woke up randomly at 3:30 this morning to some missed text messages. One was from my mom at 2 am... we have a baby.








I still can't believe I'm an aunt...

April 13, 2012

Life Blessings = Life Stress

On top of school/car/money stress I'll be an Aunt by the end of the month.

My sister's baby shower is this Sunday and I'm kind of freaking out. I've always said I was made to be an Aunt but I'm really not ready for this. Not yet.



Sure it will be exciting to buy cute clothes and play with her. She'll be 8 months by December so Christmas will be fun again (Welcome back Kotter, Santa!). And I get to be the cool Aunt that lives in the city and can take her to all the fun touristy things when she gets older. In short, I can spoil her rotten. I do look forward to that. And yet, I'm terrified for my sister. I mean, if you've noticed, human procreation freaks me out. Not the act of, that's fun, the whole welcome-to-the-world process.It makes mes SQUEEE and not in a good way. But for her, I'm even more freaked out. She's 16. I was thinking yesterday, she has way more courage than I do. Sometimes I think of being "with child" and it makes me want to cry with fear. I can't imagine how she feels.

My mom is being amazing. I know she's devastated and this is obviously not the path she'd have chosen but she's also not being one of those asshole parents that kicks their kid out. As much as they don't want a baby in the house, my mom, in good conscience can do nothing but help my sister. When my mom was 22 she had me. And her mother did everything possible to help her. She can't not do the same. And that brings us back to this weekend. The shower.

When my mom first mentioned the idea of having a shower I said that this isn't something you normally throw a shower for. She agreed but mentioned that my sister was going to need a lot of things and she wouldn't be able to get it all. This I understood. So she's throwing a shower. It's basically going to be my moms friends and coworkers, myself and my cousin from PA. As much as I've been anticipating going, I'm also dreading it. I don't want to see her preggo. My sister just started wearing size 1 jeans 2 years ago - she's that slim. She's going to look like someone sewed a beach ball beneath her skin and truthfully, I don't think I can handle seeing that. I hope she's wearing a baggy sweatshirt. I know it seems horrible and like I'm overreacting but what can I say? Pr_gn_ncy (care to buy a vowel?) makes me uncomfortable.

I'll let you know if I survive the weekend...





April 04, 2012

23 Things

I completely fell off the ball when it came to Scintilla. The challenge is over now and although a few posts were interesting to write, I didn't feel that I could relate to the prompts at all. This one I liked but it was definitely something for a Random Wednesday post, so here it is, a little fluff to get us over the hump.

Write a list of 23. (23 things to do, 23 people you owe apologies to, 23 books you've lied about reading, 23 things you can see from where you're sitting, 23 ten-word hooks for stories you want to tell....) 

23 things huh? I'd love to jump on my soapbox and proclaim that this will be easy but I know better.

the smell of potting soil
the sound of high heels on the floor
the smell of honeysuckle
the smell of library books
the feel of moss beneath my feet
the sound of tires crunching over gravel
the feel of a horse's nose (this is what velvet should feel like)  
the way the air smells after it rains
the way my muscles hurt after a good workout, or sex
the sound of rain on a hot tin roof
the way a willow tree moves in the wind
the feel of a well fitting bra
when Boyfriends randomly kiss me on the forehead
putting on clothes fresh out of the dryer
making lists
seagulls
being at the ocean (this is obsession, not like)
seeing elderly couples holding hands while walking
running in the rain
swinging in the park on a summer day
wind chimes blowing in a gentle breeze
cupcakes (also an obsession)
the smell of fresh paint

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What are some of your favorites?






March 21, 2012

Random Thoughts

In the interest of "opening up" and posting something different I've decided to share some poetry I wrote during my freshman year of high school (1999!).  The one that follows is one of my favorites. We were supposed to be doing some assignment in English utilizing magnetic words. Since I was slacking off being creative I put random words (each word was a separate magnet) together to form phrases and thoughts. When class was ending I could have easily just removed my words from the wall, never to remembered or seen again. Instead I furiously scribbled them down. I was proud of my free flowing words. They have no coherent flow, no meaning. Just words thrown together. Some phrases stick out, others are nonsensical. 


paint psychedelic rhythm and harmony
suffer passion
demand original art
i must feel pain
draw free
mad empty blue mean
old & young
# ? & @
let death feel dark
never ask to scream 
imagine masterpiece
you will create mr. drug
what is it
see no color
break glass icons
smear red fiery waste
sense hard grace
capture grown-ups
i am an ism
dazzle full
throw concrete
say canvas flower
yell something
spiritless love

March 14, 2012

Digging Deeper

I decided to participate in a 2 week challenge. It's called The Scintilla Project.  You can learn about Scintilla HERE and if you want to participate go HERE. The point is to pick one (or both) of the two prompts and write about it on a deeper level.

Life is a series of firsts. Talk about one of your most important firsts. What did you learn? Was it something you incorporated into your life as a result?
Life is a series of firsts. Talk about one of your most important firsts. What did you learn? Was it something you incorporated into your life as a result?

When I was 20 my life was a mess. I was on/off with my current boyfriend, unemployed, had just dropped out of school and was forced to move back home. It’s possible, but at the time, it couldn’t get much worse. I found a job and continued things the way they were. My best friend asked me if I wanted to meet his ‘brother’ (long story) from NJ. I agreed. At 20, I was so impressed. He was definitely my “type”. He was attractive, smooth, funny and all that other stuff you’re too blind to see at that age.

He was only here for the weekend but I was so into him. Over the next few weeks, we’d talk and text and one weekend he even surprised me by coming to visit. A few weeks later I went down to spend the weekend with him. He suggested looking for jobs. Seeing as how I was planning to leave my parents house ASAP, this just seemed like an okay idea. I went to Nordstrom and was hired on spot. I drove back to NY that weekend with a new job and not much thought about anything else.
I went to work, put in my 2 week notice and started figuring out packing and moving my stuff. When I came home from work that afternoon I walked into the kitchen. My mom was there and all I said was “I’m moving to New Jersey in 2 weeks” and walked away. Looking back, that was horrible. We weren’t close at all then but I can imagine that it came as quite a shock. And I did. 2 weeks later I was gone.

When I moved I wasn’t thinking. About anything. I had a job. I had somewhere to live. I kind of was seeing this guy. What was there to think about? In retrospect, I was running. I was running from my life in NY. From all the trouble and feelings of failure (dropping out of school). It was an easy out. For the first year all of my friends kept asking when I was coming back. I would tell them I had no plans of coming back. I moved for good. It made me mad that they all thought this was some sort of phase. That I’d move 3 hours away, get it ‘out of my system’ and come back. One best friend and I even stopped speaking over it. The first year was difficult. I felt I didn’t fit in. In the back of my mind I considered going back, but that would be like throwing in the towel and that’s not something I do. So I took it day by day.

7 years have passed and I’m still in New Jersey. It has become one of the proudest accomplishments of my life. The reasons for my move were crazy. When people asked me why I moved here I say “a guy and a job” because that’s the short of it. I may have moved for the wrong reasons but it turned out to be one of the smartest things I ever did for myself. Even my mom has said so. When I first moved here I used to go to NYC every weekend just to walk around. I always used to say I wanted a job in the city. I wanted to go places. Feel like a native New Yorker. Fit in.

I can say that I have done those things. This is home. I fit in here. In a way I never thought I would. My hometown was too small for me. I’ve always been torn. Half city, half country. Now I have the best of both. I’ve made amazing friends. People I can’t picture my future without. I’ve made mistakes. Some I’m still learning from. I have my job in Manhattan and I have a boyfriend who I adore. All in all, I took the scariest thing in my life (at the time) and turned it into one of the most rewarding. My first big move was a complete success.


February 24, 2012

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

I was watching Raging Planet on the Discovery channel on Monday. And it got me thinking. There are soo many things I wish I had gone to school for. I mean I don't hate what I'm currently doing but it's not what I'd have ever chosen for myself. Oh wait... I did. In any event these are career paths that, in hind sight, I'd really like to have followed.

Storm Chaser
I love natural disasters. It's probably the one thing I can truly say I'm obsessed with. Seeing the raw destruction cause by the natural elements just fascinates me to no end. Mudslides, lightening (not a disaster, but still very cool), tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, there is no end to the awe. I knew this was something that interested me the first time I saw Twister. It sucked me in (no pun intended).

Writer
Writing is something I've always enjoyed. I don't know what it is but I find words to paper to be so... so many things. Thought provoking, inspiring, encouraging - everything. When I was a kid I used to write short stories all the time. When I was somewhat older I started writing poetry. Now, I blog. Writing has always been an outlet for me. When I'm angry, upset or frustrated I journal. It helps get all the thoughts out regardless of how ridiculous they may have been at the time.

Chef
I. Love. Food. I mean how do you not? There are so many flavors, cuisines, everything. And in loving food I love to cook. I'm not huge on baking, but cooking? I like being in the kitchen trying new recipes and making my own with what I have. I wish I could be a foodie. Not a food snob, but a foodie. The one who uses truffle oil and exotic fruits or vegetables. Food is love people, food. is. love.

Photographer
I'm the girl who's always taking pictures. The one who's always behind the camera. I find so much fun in taking pictures. Black and white are my absolute favorite filters. They're gorgeous. They're soft and dramatic all at the same time. You can take something that isn't "pretty" switch it to black and white and it ends up having a certain... quality.

Interior Decorator
Decorating is just plain fun to me. Painting. Creating themes. Hanging blinds or curtains. Finding that rug or picture that ties the room together. It's therapeutic. Plus, it speaks to my creative side.

Personal Stylist.
I'm a girl. Girls like clothes. Shoes can make or break an outfit. I LOVE shoes. If I had the permissible spending account, I'd own zillions of pairs of shoes. One of the best part about being a personal stylist? Spending someone else's money on all the clothes and shoes and bags and accessories I want. Which leads to the other best thing. Getting paid for providing that service. Get a few upscale clients and I've got my own super fabulous wardrobe.

Fortunately for me, I'm still young and able enough to do any of these. Except maybe storm chasing. That requires just wayy too much school.

January 13, 2012

Lost

I like to think of myself as an open book. Ask me something and more often than not, I'll answer. Even if I don't want to answer the question I'll respond in some way. Still, sometimes I have difficulty in talking about certain things. Not for fear of judgment or something of that nature. But possibly the fear that I'm too open. That's possible of course and sometimes I worry that I'm guilty of it. And even though I fear I'm going to cross the line and be too open with you guys, I also feel that you'll understand my need to purge these feelings, as incoherent as they may be.

So what has me so troubled? My 16 year old sister is pregnant. Even typing that sentence was somewhat terrifying. It's real. It's not her begging for attention and being dramatic. Fortunately, I guess, there was no shock factor for me. My brother (14) called me before Thanksgiving and told me. I was shocked then. I was freaked out then. I was dreading telling my mom then. And then after I was home for the weekend, my brother told me that my sister said something to my mom, however she changed the story of how it happened to something less than honest. In any event, I felt relief at not having to have this conversation. As far as I was concerned, my mom knew, she would deal with it. Very un-family like, I know. Selfish of me? Perhaps. I do know I was hoping it wasn't real.

Today my dad asks if I've talked to my mom recently. I said no and was told to call him. So I did. He tells me she is... and she's 5 months along. I really didn't know what to say. I mean, I'm at work. So as sarcastic as I am, the only thing I could muster was a very disgusted "Awesome." What else am I supposed to say? There's no etiquette guide for something like this. My feelings are all over the place.

I'm so angry at her. For getting herself in this situation because she has zero regard for thought. She doesn't think about cause and effect. She thinks only of here and now with no care as to what consequences there may be. This part of my just wants to yell at her.

I'm scared for her. She's 16. Has no job. Is in high school. The guy is away at some job corp thing ( I don't even know). Neither has a car. He doesn't even have his GED. Obviously neither has money. I mean, just  W. T. F.   This part of me wants to hug her.

I'm disappointed with her. How could she be so careless? How could she let this happen? Doesn't she understand how hard her lief is going to be now? How much money this costs? Doesn't she know what she's done? This part of me cries for her.

I just don't know... what to do. What to say. How to feel.

I feel lost.






January 11, 2012

EEEEWWW

Happy Hump Day! It's been awhile since I've bestowed some Shameless on you...

Usually I'm all for creepy crawlers and any other type of insect or arachnid. If I find a spider in my house the general rule is I leave it alone unless a) it's in my bedroom (last summer I had 5 bites that were raised, warm to the touch and red. You could see them through a pair of dress pants.) or b) it's chunky. I like snakes and bugs and if it's not bothering me, it's free to visit.


The only thing I've ever killed by necessity was the cicada that somehow found it's way into my house. I didn't want to kill him. Really. It was more the fact that those large wings create a very loud buzzing when it's flying around my living room. I being the brave soul that I am immediately cowered under my computer desk while yelling at my cats to declare war on it. Needless to say I had to pep talk myself to crawl out from under the desk and do the dirty work.  

The one insect that truly leaves me acting "girly" in a way I'd normally avoid? These fuckers. 

This is a house centipede a/k/a Scutigera coleoptrata
a/k/a AHHHHOMIGODEEEWWWKILLLIT!

These provide me with instantaneous shivers, that things-are-crawling-on-me feeling and a general squeamishness that won't rest until it's twitching and oozing in the garbage can. And because they reduce me to a shrieking a pile of girl, I greatly  prefer that someone else kill them. Of course one the four cats I own can't be bothered to lift a paw. And why should they? They're fed twice a day, given cat nip weekly, have a pile of toys throughout the house and generally are allowed to do whatever they please (when they're not sleeping). So killing a fast-moving, multi-legged bug that creeps me right-the-fuck out? They literally turn the other cheek. Fortunately boyfriend can now take care of such attackers.

Although it seems these awesome little asshats only like to make their presence known when no one (else) is around to kill them or they're out of reach. Yay for 9 foot ceilings?