Friday, February 3, 2012

Open Letters to NYC

I love open letters. They're fun. You can say what you want and not have to worry about repercussions. However, they're usually negative. These are some of mine:

Dear Users of Mass Transit:

I realize the seats are close together. I realize that you were sitting there first, alone. But now I'm sitting next to you, and it would be great if you would remove part of your body from my area of seating so that I can ride comfortably as well. There's no reason that you need to take up all of your seat and part of mine so that you can sit with your arms, or legs, spread. It's a fucking bus. If you want space drive your damn car.

Dear First-Time NYC Tourists:

I get that the city is amazing. I walk through Times Square on a daily basis. I know we have the Naked Cowboy in the middle of Broadway and Elmo/Hello Kitty/Woody/SpiderMan on the next corner wanting to take pictures with you. I know we have crazy cab drivers who probably wouldn't hesitate to make a really memorable experience for you. Still, when you come to a cross street and other people are freely crossing (with the sign) that doesn't permit you to DEAD STOP in front of other people so that we all run into you. Keep it moving or step to the side.

Dear Random Photographer:

You must be cousins with the First-Time Tourists. You have to be. You've just got to snap that generic shot of Times Square right? Maybe throw up the peace sign? I get it. Really. It could be a cool picture. And when you're on one side of the sidewalk and your "subject" is on the other? Expect to wait a really. long. time. You're trying to take a picture through foot traffic. Good luck with that. NYers don't stop.

Dear Naked Cowboy:

You. Are. Awesome. I have a yearly meeting with you and I must say it's thoroughly enjoyable. While I've never seen a guy take a picture with you, I feel they should. And I was very relieved when you got the Naked Cowgirl removed. SHE was creepy. It's been a warm winter for you and I appreciate that you're still out doing your thing. In February. It puts a smile on my face when I walk through Times Square at 5pm and there you are. Also... I really liked when you cut your hair. The short is much sexier!

Dear Hipster:

Where do I even begin? I passed you Wednesday on my way through TSQ and although your general "hipsterness" instantly made me roll my eyes, it was your black, classic "Buddy Holly" styled glasses that caught my attention. You know, the ones with no lenses. When I say what the fuck?! it doesn't even begin to convey my disgust for you. I was advised to exterminate you, but then was told you'd serve better purpose as zombie food (Fabulous idea Kat!) and  I whole-heartedly agree. In the mean time, please take your lense-less frames, neon clothing and general self out of my sight. I may not let you live next time.


  1. Hahah the naked cowboy pic is amazzzinnnggg

  2. I LOVED THIS POST! I vote you do more!

  3. It was fun actually. I'll see what I can do! I mean, seriously, who doesn't love to rant?

  4. I saw Naked Cowgirl the last time I was in NYC. I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw her.