March 21, 2012

Random Thoughts

In the interest of "opening up" and posting something different I've decided to share some poetry I wrote during my freshman year of high school (1999!).  The one that follows is one of my favorites. We were supposed to be doing some assignment in English utilizing magnetic words. Since I was slacking off being creative I put random words (each word was a separate magnet) together to form phrases and thoughts. When class was ending I could have easily just removed my words from the wall, never to remembered or seen again. Instead I furiously scribbled them down. I was proud of my free flowing words. They have no coherent flow, no meaning. Just words thrown together. Some phrases stick out, others are nonsensical. 

paint psychedelic rhythm and harmony
suffer passion
demand original art
i must feel pain
draw free
mad empty blue mean
old & young
# ? & @
let death feel dark
never ask to scream 
imagine masterpiece
you will create mr. drug
what is it
see no color
break glass icons
smear red fiery waste
sense hard grace
capture grown-ups
i am an ism
dazzle full
throw concrete
say canvas flower
yell something
spiritless love

March 14, 2012

Digging Deeper

I decided to participate in a 2 week challenge. It's called The Scintilla Project.  You can learn about Scintilla HERE and if you want to participate go HERE. The point is to pick one (or both) of the two prompts and write about it on a deeper level.

Life is a series of firsts. Talk about one of your most important firsts. What did you learn? Was it something you incorporated into your life as a result?
Life is a series of firsts. Talk about one of your most important firsts. What did you learn? Was it something you incorporated into your life as a result?

When I was 20 my life was a mess. I was on/off with my current boyfriend, unemployed, had just dropped out of school and was forced to move back home. It’s possible, but at the time, it couldn’t get much worse. I found a job and continued things the way they were. My best friend asked me if I wanted to meet his ‘brother’ (long story) from NJ. I agreed. At 20, I was so impressed. He was definitely my “type”. He was attractive, smooth, funny and all that other stuff you’re too blind to see at that age.

He was only here for the weekend but I was so into him. Over the next few weeks, we’d talk and text and one weekend he even surprised me by coming to visit. A few weeks later I went down to spend the weekend with him. He suggested looking for jobs. Seeing as how I was planning to leave my parents house ASAP, this just seemed like an okay idea. I went to Nordstrom and was hired on spot. I drove back to NY that weekend with a new job and not much thought about anything else.
I went to work, put in my 2 week notice and started figuring out packing and moving my stuff. When I came home from work that afternoon I walked into the kitchen. My mom was there and all I said was “I’m moving to New Jersey in 2 weeks” and walked away. Looking back, that was horrible. We weren’t close at all then but I can imagine that it came as quite a shock. And I did. 2 weeks later I was gone.

When I moved I wasn’t thinking. About anything. I had a job. I had somewhere to live. I kind of was seeing this guy. What was there to think about? In retrospect, I was running. I was running from my life in NY. From all the trouble and feelings of failure (dropping out of school). It was an easy out. For the first year all of my friends kept asking when I was coming back. I would tell them I had no plans of coming back. I moved for good. It made me mad that they all thought this was some sort of phase. That I’d move 3 hours away, get it ‘out of my system’ and come back. One best friend and I even stopped speaking over it. The first year was difficult. I felt I didn’t fit in. In the back of my mind I considered going back, but that would be like throwing in the towel and that’s not something I do. So I took it day by day.

7 years have passed and I’m still in New Jersey. It has become one of the proudest accomplishments of my life. The reasons for my move were crazy. When people asked me why I moved here I say “a guy and a job” because that’s the short of it. I may have moved for the wrong reasons but it turned out to be one of the smartest things I ever did for myself. Even my mom has said so. When I first moved here I used to go to NYC every weekend just to walk around. I always used to say I wanted a job in the city. I wanted to go places. Feel like a native New Yorker. Fit in.

I can say that I have done those things. This is home. I fit in here. In a way I never thought I would. My hometown was too small for me. I’ve always been torn. Half city, half country. Now I have the best of both. I’ve made amazing friends. People I can’t picture my future without. I’ve made mistakes. Some I’m still learning from. I have my job in Manhattan and I have a boyfriend who I adore. All in all, I took the scariest thing in my life (at the time) and turned it into one of the most rewarding. My first big move was a complete success.