Monday, March 19, 2012

Learning From Myself

I'm behind on my Scintilla posts but this is one I felt I had to write.

What's the story of the most difficult challenge you've faced in a relationship? Did you overcome it? what was the outcome?

For me this post ties in with my first Scintilla post about Digging Deeper. The guy in the story, the then boyfriend.

When I was in high school I was a tough chick. I still am but I now have the  experience and wisdom with age to actually back it up. Rather than just being the girl with an attitude and a perceived chip on her shoulder who came off as tough, I know that I am tough. I’ve been through a lot since graduating high school.

When I moved to New Jersey I lost that girl. I was still “tough” in the sense that I had my attitude but that was it. I was the new kid on the block in an area that I was completely unfamiliar with. I gravitated towards the Ex and his friends. Ordinarily this would be fine at first until I got my bearings and started forming my own niche. The problem was I did the exact opposite and became someone I hated.

I allowed myself to be part of an abusive relationship. You don’t need bruises for something to be abusive. Abuse is abuse no matter which way you look at it and although it may seem as if I’m making excuses, I’m not. I’m simply telling it the way I perceived it at the time. To keep the story as short as possible.

The Ex and I were together for a grand total of three years. We brought out the worst in each other. I became jealous, angry and blind to things I knew were not right. His temper flared. So did mine. Things would always escalate to a screaming match with pushing and shoving. I remember trying to leave the house once and being dragged to the ground simply so that I couldn’t leave. There was the time he pulled my hair and almost broke my finger because he strongly believed something that wasn't. The most distinctive incident is when we were arguing and he responded by throwing the N word at me. I don't identify with being African American but I find the word utterly disgusting and offensive because of what it represents. I came down stairs, pushed him, and knowing it would push his buttons, called him a POS and said not to ever say that word to me again. He jumped up and started choking me.

I don’t really believe in fate and all of that but I’m forever thankful that my best friend Chris and the rest of our friends were standing outside. Chris came in and pulled him off me. He knew that the Ex and I fought, and intensely, but that was the first time he truly witnessed it. I stayed in the relationship because I felt that there was no way out. I didn’t make enough to leave and I couldn’t go back to New York. When it was good, things were perfect, we were the best of friends. When it was bad, it was a nightmare.

He and I talk now, although very infrequently. I don’t attempt to speak to him but if he messages me I don’t go out of my way to ignore or answer him. I’m a bigger person. I’ve moved on. He has too but he's destined to be miserable.

When I was younger I always said I’d never be ‘that girl’ and part of me hates myself for her to become part of me. She was weak and I didn’t fight for herself. She let me down. I let me down. And yet, I can’t be that angry. I’m out of the relationship and I see it as a learning experience. I know what to avoid in any future relationships. Granted I should have seen this one and in fact I did, but I ignored the flags. Blinded by love right? Sadly, it is possible. I don’t like admitting that I was once that girl because it goes against everything I believe in, standing up for myself; being my own person. But like anything if there were no pain, error in judgment or sense of disappointment, it wouldn’t be a learning experience.


Abuse comes in many forms. If you feel that you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, do something. For me I was only pushed around. Pushes can easily turn into hits and punches and it’s not something worth going through. If someone is hurting you, in any way, emotional, verbal or physical. Call someone or seek help here or here.



  1. Well, I'm glad you got yourself out of that situation! That's HUGE. Many people can't...

  2. Wow, how horrible. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing better at the time. Everyone has been involved in something that they knew wasn't right but continued to do anyway for whatever reasons. Just glad you're out of that situation now.

  3. I'm so glad you got out of there!

    My ex was mostly verbally and mentally abusive, but just as I was leaving him, he slammed me up against a wall. It just confirmed that leaving him was the right thing to do.