Monday, April 9, 2012

Blue Monday

This is somewhat long and ranty and I apologize in advance... Also, I started typing and realized I was getting "venty" (no not coffee) and should probably break up this post...

I'd like to think that I'm feeling off simply because it's Monday. Or because it's my first day back to work after a 3 day weekend. I have a feeling this is not the reason for my current state.

I'm blue. No I haven't been practicing holding my breath underwater. And no I haven't been engaging in questionable activities with smurfs. I'm just down. Everything has been getting on my nerves, including Boyfriend. That never happens. I'm not even sure I can pinpoint the source of my melancholy. It's a myriad of things. Mostly financially related. It always seems that my life is a giant waiting game. To achieve A, I must do B. But to meet B I have to wait for C to happen. But to get to C I need to complete A. It's a cyclical situation that stresses me out to no end. (Just to prove how out of it I am I originally wrote "To get to See..." and "Stresses me out to know end"). My mind is constantly elsewhere lately.

I'm always thinking of things I need to do. Things I want to do... and inevitably the reasons I can't do them. My number 1 cause for stress? Money. Isn't that the case with most people? For me it seems consuming. The debts I have are mostly student loans which doesn't bother me as it's considered "good debt". They're in deferment anyway. The problem is when I left my old job I also gave up a disposable, albeit shitty, salary. I now make more but due to taxes I net less. Also? Being paid only twice a month absolutely fucking sucks. I make it work but it's stressful beyond explanation.

Last week I applied as a to Montclair to start my final 2 years towards my Bachelor's degree. I went back and forth heavily about whether to apply or wait. Ultimately I said fuck it. I'll deal with whatever comes. That's usually how I handle the bumps in my life. I don't worry about them until they present themselves. This was different. This will have a massive impact, foreseeably, on everything.

More or less, my car is junk. I need something more reliable ASAP. The problem, as always is the financial factor. When I was 18 I ruined my credit. At 27 I'm still paying for it. You'd think by now, with all accounts being repaid and whatnot that my credit would have improved. Nope. I have a better chance of being hit by a taxi than applying for a loan and it being approved. When they say they can get me financing it requires a much larger down-payment. Money I just don't have. I've started saving trying to save money to use as a down payment. My goal is to have enough by the end of the summer (1500-ish) so that I can use it towards something new(er) so that I have no issues commuting to school.

** Friday will contain Part 2 of my stress: Life's Blessings Are Also Life's Stress**


  1. Aww sorry you're having a tough time! Wish there was something helpful I could say - but I'm not in such high spirits myself.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better for both of us... fingers crossed!

  2. Hope your day starts looking up and you can get some better transportation soon!

  3. Well I hope you feel better soon. I really do. Good luck with the saving up as well. I don't find it that hard, but I don't really have much in the way of commitments or things I need to pay for.

  4. I'm so sorry that money is tough.  I used to get paid once a month, so I know how hard (impossible) that last week can feel.  I hope that everything works out soon!

  5. oh babe, I sorry you are feeling down. I don't have anything super awesome to offer in means of comfort or advice other than what echos in my head a times like these (thanks to my mom reminding me of it over and over and over again) "This too shall pass..."  and it always does. Chin up, cupcake! 

  6. I swear to God, the endless money cycle is such a BITCH. That A-B-C example you gave really hit home for me. It sucks. We will endure. With whiskey by our side, we will endure.