Friday, June 1, 2012

Dear...

Dear Escalator Users:
From the looks of things you know how to use said escalator. And yet you can't seem to navigate it correctly. Just to be clear, the RIGHT side is for people who stop and ride. The LEFT is for those of us who actually like to walk to our jobs in a timely manner. It's like driving, the left lane = GO. Please do not get on the moving staircase and think that you can just stand all willy-nilly and not get visual daggers thrown at you. I promise that you're pissing off ALL of us. 


Dear "Fashionista":
No one understands better than I that summer is near. I'm just as excited to wear all my fun summer clothes and shoes, especially the white ones. However, like most things, there is a time and a place. Namely, AFTER Memorial Day. I don't give a shit that Vogue said you can wear it. Vogue is wrong. Do you believe everything you read or hear? Let me guess you think it's ok to wear stripes and plaid too? Just do yourself a favor... Don't. Wait until Memorial Day when you won't look like an eyesore. Also? Just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it.


Dear Financial Aid:
You truly irritate me. When I'm told that I need to get "approved" for graduation I don't expect to get a letter in the mail stating that I can't have my diploma because I have a hold. When I call you to find out why it's there and you "check my file" only to tell me that you "guess we never processed it" all I can say to you is 'Really??' I just don't understand how you can be so inefficient sometimes.

Dear Groupon/Living Social:
You're being deleted. Do I even need to give you a reason? Seriously, you ask me what I'm interested in. I tell you a few basics. You then take it upon yourself to bombard my inbox (7) and mobile app (40) with e-mails and offers about things I might be interested in based on the things I'm actually interested in. How about you just do what I ask and only tell me about things I specifically requested. On second thought, let's go back to the beginning - you're being deleted.


Dear Cat:
You are the bane of my existence. But your face is adorable. That is all.


Dear Beach-goers:
Unless you want me to ruthlessly make fun of you, please don't show up in faded blue shorts that were made for a 12 year old, with your zebra print bra and a fishnet "halter top". On top of that your girrrrl "rolls up" in knee high converse sneakers (in summer? really?) with her 1/2 and  1/2 blonde-black hair twisted into knots. And then, as if you couldn't make me laugh any harder, you break out the Henny and start pounding your fist while repeating phrases about some girl getting a beat down. 


And to the two ladies who have appropriately been renamed "The Beastie Girls" maybe you should put the funnel cake down. I love funnel cake too, but when your ass is hanging out of your "Loooooooooooove" shorts and you have to literally throw yourself down to the sand, you might want to grab something else. Say, a bigger pair of shorts? A carrot? And your friend? I don't even know what to say. Her back was eating her shirt and her pants were trying to run away from covering the vast ocean known as her ass. If you are in my line of vision I promise you will get made fun of. I'm not going to sugar coat it, you'll probably eat it. 


10 comments :

  1. justkeepinitrealfolksJune 1, 2012 at 7:20 AM

    Thank you so much for my laugh for the day. LOVE IT!!!!! Classic picture. I can only imagine where the "o" and the "v" get smushed when Miss Love Shorts stands up.

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  2. Hahahah. Love the tag! ROAAAAR bitchzilla

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  3. I am so with you on the escalator thing. Dude, it's a pan-national norm and still the rule is disobeyed. But the white pants thing, come on. It's a dumb rule. The only time I wouldn't wear white pants is ever, because I'm a mess and I spill thing--but I especially wouldn't wear them on my period because I'm paranoid. And frankly, those converse sounded pretty rad. 

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  4. Lol, great fun and good laughs in this post! Put down the funnel cakes was excellent advice - but somehow it looks as though they weren't paying attention!  ;-)

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  5. APrinceAndProzacJune 1, 2012 at 1:51 PM

     I felt bad for the girls for a second and then I kept reading and just burst out laughing. You're hilarious. I love the not sugar-coating because they might eat it. Goodness, girl, you're good at this blogging thing.

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  6. I'm glad your cat is cute enough to get away with it. They know this well. Fashion is one of the most evil things in the world. Especially when it comes to people not realizing how bad they look.

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  7. I'm with you on the Groupon thing.Good lord, the crap they send me. How in the world did you think I would ever be interested in half price stock car racing tickets?

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  8. Just letting you know that I posted about the award you gave me. Thanks again :)

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  9. That was hilarious, I especially love what you said about escalator users, ha!

    http://athinkinggirl.blogspot.co.uk/ 

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  10. That's a whoooole lotta look.

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