Thursday, July 12, 2012

Gimme Fuel, Gimme Fire...

*** This is sooo long overdue I almost didn't post it. I mean I wrote it on June 28th. On top of things I am not. In any event, here it is. Unedited.***

On Tuesday I made a decision.

I am not ready to move on, but I am willing to move forward.

As I've said,  the world unfortunately does not stop spinning just because my world has. Bills still need to be paid, laundry and dishes still need to be done and work still has to see my face. Part of me feels that by resuming everyday life it means that I'm somehow placing my sister in the past, moving on or forgetting her. Rationally I know this is completely untrue. It's just not possible. She'll never be "past" and this isn't something I will ever move on from. It will stay with me for life. It has become part of who I am and will play a part in shaping the future me.

I also know that I can't just check out on life the way I could, and did, at 18 when my grandmother passed away. I can't run from this and I can't hide from the world. I have to go out and live and honor her in the process. I guess I started last Sunday when I went to a concert at Baders field in Atlantic City. A split decision made 24 hrs before showtime I was going to see Avenged Sevenfold, a band she liked as well, and Metallica. I found I did enjoy myself. I laughed and cried. I felt the music. Heard it differently and enjoyed it all over again. When Nothing Else Matters came on it hurt, but I made it without breaking down. 



The crazy thing about all of this was that I've been trying to see Metallica since 2008.

Mr. Hetfield himself
I had a ticket to a show in 08 or 09 and like an asshole I gave it up to go home to NY for my friends sex toy party. Hmm... toys or James??? Yea. I've regretted that ever since. 

James singing "Unforgiven"

And because I'm exceptionally lazy and my phone is not mating well with the computer right now, I have no videos for you. I assure you it was an awesome time though. And the sound at the main stage was fabulous. I'm pretty sure one shouldn't use the word 'fabulous' when referring to Metallica. But you know... I do those kinds of things.


  1. Always in hard moments this is what I'm amazed by: that everything keeps moving. That most people will look at you and never realize what it is you are going through.

    It will be hard, but try not to feel guilty. I know that your sister would want you happy and moving and enjoying concerts and enjoying your niece.

  2. Surely James IS a sex toy. Metallica have made decent music including Nothing Else Matters but I can never like them because of Lars. But I don't want this to be full of hate. Your sister wouldn't want that and I doubt you do either. Remember though that she;s not gone as long as she is remembered. By getting on with life, and living, you are honouring her memory. If you can't live for yourself, then live for her. But I think you don't have any trouble living for yourself anymore.

  3. I so admire your strength. You're a superstar.

    Your sister would be so proud. Big hugs.

  4. I get what you are saying, about feeling almost guilty about having to resume your life duties, or about enjoying yourself despite what has happened. You honor and bring joy to your sister's memory when you live the fullest, happiest life you can. You know she would want that for you so continue to seek out your happiness.
    I'm also with you on the music being a healer type thing. Lyrics often touch me in a way that normal words can't and even when it hurts, I appreciate the message. And Metallica is tops for that. I've seen them twice and although I'm not a big metal fan historically, they rock and their shows are pretty epic.
    Keep smiling darling!

  5. I think you are amazing for putting one foot in front of the other. For letting life carry you forward. For not willing time to stop, to move on without you. I think going to the concert was exactly the right decision - you are confronted every day by the reality of how short life is, and you chose to live yours to the fullest.

    Also? The blogosphere doesn't operate in real time. You can post something that happened in January in July. Or at least I do. But I'm prrrobably not the best blogging role model to go off of.

  6. Thanks. It meant a lot to read this.