October 07, 2013

The Manual

In case you missed it last week, K was back on the blog talking about the things that annoy him most about me. It brought one thought to mind: I should come with a manual.

Shouldn't we all? I mean, yeah, getting to know how a person works, what they like and what sets them off is, umm, part of the "process", but wouldn't it be a tad bit easier if we all had a manual to give prospective significant others? I think so.

If I came with a manual, here are a few things you'd find in it.

One = Do not wake her up. She's like a hibernating bear when she sleeps. She does not want to be shaken stirred. If you do happen to wake her up, she'll most likely be cranky, sarcastic, and irrationally angry.

Two = Do not ask her to "relax" or "calm down". Just don't do it. These two phrases will immediately make her want to punch you in the face. On second thought, don't ever say this to any woman. The reaction will be the same.

Three = Do make her laugh daily. Even if she's angry, if someone can make her laugh she will automatically feel less stabby. You'll find it will help you through a lot of situations.

Four = Do feed her often. Preferably in the form of anything Chipotle or having to do with chips and salsa. Cupcakes will also do the trick. Honestly, she'll eat just about anything. If you keep her fed, you keep her happy. Cook for her. If you can't cook, learn.

someecards.com - I judge a man by the size of his sandwich.

Five = Have your own hobbies. This girl, she likes her space. You should have your own hobbies and do your own thing so that she can sit around in her sheep pajamas watching marathons of SYTTD and New Girl. She needs time to use face masks and dance like a crazy person to the Footloose soundtrack.

Six = Don't ask obvious questions. She'll immediately become annoyed and probably tease you for it. See also Chapter 4: Sarcasm, The Girl & You.

Pretty step-by-step if you ask me. I try to be as upfront as possible so they know what their getting into. K seems to be the only one with a somewhat working knowledge of how I work. Either that or he's a glutton for punishment. 

What would be in YOUR manual?


  1. Well I'm me, so I'm likely to try and illicit sarcastic remarks. It's just what I do.

  2. I'm in love with number 5! People ask me all the time if it bothers me that Tyson works at night. NO WAY, 5 days out of 7 I get the couch AND the remote all to myself.

  3. OMG, I just can't handle the stress from the Giants!!!! I am so over it. Can we at least get 1 win! LOL