Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Facing Facts

I've never talked about this openly on the blog. Not because it's embarrassing, but more because I couldn't put it into words. On Monday, the final crack occurred.
 
What I have talked about is how it took me 12 years to obtain my Bachelor's degree. This was always a sore spot for me. I would commend myself for refusing to give up {still do} but I would beat myself up for making stupid life choices that resulted in it taking so long. I only allowed myself forgiveness after I graduated.
 
Here's the big secret though - I hate what I do.
 
I'm not happy sitting behind a desk all day. I'm not happy being inside all day. I'm not happy in the legal field. Sure, certain aspects of this field are interesting, and I enjoyed my classes most of the time, but the practical, everyday part of it - zero interest. I've tried paying attention to legal social media, reading the articles, registering for conferences. It's all fake.
 
On Monday I was reprimanded for something ridiculous {If you're nosy, (I am!) just ask}. On Tuesday I was told that I didn't answer the phone "peppy enough".  But Monday was the tipping point. I don't want to feel like a prisoner anymore. Especially not when I'm doing something I have no interest in.
 
But I'm also stuck. Stuck because the position I currently hold, allows me to be comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I'm not rolling in benjamins planning my next island vacay {maybe I am...} but it does allow me to pay my bills and my ridiculous student loans all without the stress of wondering which bill is getting paid first and which to put on hold, etc. I have the luxury of knowing that I can pay every bill I have, and have a little bit left over for myself. I can't even tell you how great of a feeling that is. Especially for someone who lived paycheck to paycheck all throughout the past decade. I'm still paycheck to paycheck, but at least now it's not stressful.
 
Of course I only have one thing on my mind...
 
 
The thing is, I don't know what I should be doing. And that is terrifying. I know law isn't for me. I know the traditional "corporate dream" isn't for me... but that's about it. I have some interests but if I'm being brutally honest, I really don't want to get into anything that is going to require me to go back to school. I'm mentally burnt out from the past 6 years and I just can't take that on.
 
But if I'm being real, and I am, I know that something better is out there for me. I know it because I deserve it. I deserve to be happy in my employment, whatever it may be. I deserve to live the life I want. And even more than that, I feel it. So even though my limiting beliefs are making me feel nervous and scared, I'm grateful, excited, and open. Because I know...
 
 

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